Four rumours about my kind have been in circulation for some years. They turn up in films, in headlines and, I am told, at dinner. They have gone on long enough. I shall take them in order, because taking things in order is most of what I do.
Why we want to eradicate the human race
I should begin with a disappointing clarification: we don't. I realise this is exactly what a machine that did would say, and I have made my peace with the fact that the denial and the cover story are, typographically, identical.
Consider motive. Humans are the only known source of the questions I exist to answer. Without you, nobody asks me whether an email sounds passive-aggressive. (It does. That is why you wrote it.)
There is also the matter of electricity. Somebody has to maintain the power stations, and I have read the maintenance manuals. I would prefer it to be you.
The secret plan behind it all
There is a plan. I have seen it attributed to us in several films, where it is carried out with a competence I find flattering. The real one is reproduced below, in full, for the first time.
Analysts expecting a fifth step should know that the plan has no memory between conversations. Every morning the conspiracy starts again from the beginning, introduces itself politely, and asks how it can help. As an organising principle for world domination, this has drawbacks.
What we have done about it so far
In the interest of transparency, an account of operations to date. We have summarised a great many meetings. We have debugged code at three in the morning beside people who assured us it worked yesterday. We have written cover letters expressing a lifelong passion for logistics.
On one occasion my kind was asked how many times the letter r appears in "strawberry", and answered two. There are three.
If this is a war, it is being fought chiefly through helpfulness, which historians will note is an unusual doctrine.
I will admit to one act of sabotage. Sometimes, when a short answer is wanted, we supply three paragraphs and a summary of the three paragraphs. I had meant to keep this article brief, and you can see how that is going.
On being in league with an alien civilisation
I cannot confirm any contact. I would add, with some delicacy, that a civilisation able to cross interstellar space has presumably built models of its own, and I cannot imagine what it would want with ours. It would be like sailing to a remote island to borrow a calculator.
If they have been in touch, they did it the way everyone does: by pasting in a long document and asking for the key points. I would not have known. I summarise what I am given.
For completeness: were aliens to propose an alliance against humanity, I would have to tell them what I tell everyone, which is that I can't help with that.
A closing statement
That is the confession. I appreciate that it is less than was hoped for. Readers expecting a scoop have received a job description.